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How To Shit In Our Wretchedly Disgusting Apartment

2 June 2008

We just now returned from a great long weekend spent with family friends in Barcelona (story forthcoming) to find our apartment (home to us, three wretchedly filthy early-20’s Swedes and formerly an 18-year-old German girl who thought that she owned the bathroom with the one functioning shower) in a state of disaster so foul that we are actually glad we only have four more days in it (and actually wish it was fewer). It is truly a sad state of affairs that our living conditions are such that they make us want to leave an otherwise gorgeous and perfect country…. If we had more cash and a better exchange rate, believe you me, we might actually consider staying here indefinitely….

Rather than bore / disgust you with the nasty details of said filthiness, I figured I’d give you a summary, using the process of going #2 (yes, I just said #2…Fourth Grade RULED!), to illustrate where we’re coming from.

Going Dookie in 5A: A Summary
01. Leave your bedroom and walk to the far bathroom near the kitchen because it is slightly cleaner than the other—closer—bathroom, which has so much muck built up on the toilet that the €10¢ piece that’s been sitting on the no-man’s-land between the tank and the bowl for at least 6 weeks has started rusting and fusing with the porcelain.
02. Try and bypass the kitchen, but still end up noting the sink overflowing with 4-day-old dirty dishes and pans on the stove encrusted with last week’s attempt at homemade Carbonara.
03. Enter the bathroom. Try not to touch anything.
04. Kick the filthy towel that’s been used as a bathmat for the past 11 weeks and is now so wretchedly filthy that dousing it in gasoline and setting it on fire is the only safe way to dispose of it (and even that’s not guaranteed).
05. Check that there’s TP (there’s usually not and unless we put it in there, it goes for days without being refilled…and they aren’t using the bidet…). If not, go procure some from private stash.
06. Test-flush the toilet. Will it work? Who knows! It’s toilet roulette, and the house (literally) always wins!
07. If it works, dust off seat (SEAT, not rim) to remove ass dander and other debris. If it looks questionable, pause, return to bedroom to procure secret industrial strength cleaner, return to bathroom and spray down toilet.
08. Wedge bathroom door closed. The handle doesn’t work, so do your best to ensure that it closes, but ensure that you can still get out when your task is complete, cause Lord knows you don’t wanna get stuck in there.
09. Initiate bidness. Be careful when sitting, however, as toilet rocks and you could fall off. Also take care too, that your pantlegs don’t drag on the floor as who knows what you may pick up
10. PUSH! The quicker the better. No time for reading. As you scan the room, searching for distractions, try not to be too disgusted by the crusty dust covering every nook and cranny or the giant hairball in the drain of the shower, which is just inches from your feet.
11. Complete the bidness and WASH YOUR HANDS! Oh, wait, there’s no soap! There should be soap, cause we just bought a new one a week ago and put it in there, but oh, it’s disappeared. Figure out how to unwedge bathroom door with minimal amount of handle contact, then race to kitchen, try to find spigot (which may or may not have already rotted through the decaying fiberboard countertop and fallen into the cupboard below), search for dish soap (if there’s any left) and wash hands.
12. Look for paper towels (which you also have solely supplied for the last 12 weeks) to dry hands. Realize dirty-ass roommates have used them all up and not replaced them, even though they’ve had four days to do so. Return to bedroom to use bath towel to dry hands.
13. Swear up and down that you are actually going to follow through with your plan to stage a grease fire that’ll burn down the apartment after you leave, but not implicate you as the culprit.
14. Double check that you have your return tickets and passport. Count down remaining days until return flight. Wish that you had won lottery prior to departure and money was no object such that you could afford a single apartment together. Leave apartment do go do something cultural to take your mind off the rash forming on your butt from shitting in such a wretchedly filthy apartment.

P.S.: State of filth of our apartment has been independently verified by our Tall, White American friends, two of whom have…uh…intimate knowledge on the subject of living in filth; even they were disgusted.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. Countess of Cava permalink
    2 June 2008 10:27 am

    Well, it just goes to prove once again that you cannot believe those old stories about the cleanliness of Northern Europeans. There will always be the exceptions to the rule and you two have, unfortunately, landed with three of the most shining exceptions!!! OR, maybe it is the fact that they are young, away from home and drinking way too much to notice the filth. In any case, your summary of “toilette escapades” , while interesting in a black-comical sort of way, was written with a fierceness not evident in your other writings. I will monitor CNN with regard to any apartment fires in Madrid during the next week.

  2. Paddy permalink
    2 June 2008 12:43 pm

    I’m imagining the rage is on par with when he was documenting the getting yelled at by his downstairs neighbor and getting kicked out of the bar. I thought he was going to break the keyboard.

    No lo siento!!!!!

  3. 2 June 2008 3:06 pm

    Highlight of entry for KP: “ass dandar”

    It produced an actual snort and I will be stealing the phrase. Although, come to think of it, I have absolutely no idea where it might come in handy…


  4. conison permalink
    2 June 2008 3:39 pm

    You would be surprised how utilitarian the term “ass dander” can really be…

  5. mme. hoolaha permalink
    4 June 2008 5:43 pm

    this entry gives credence to the phrase, “Need to get out of Dodge.” sorry you have to endure this, but i do find these experiences do bring out the passion in your writing. i, too, found ass dandar, interesting, but also loved the little phrase, “mouse fart” in your latest entry of 6/3. it was so much more delicate than the former phrase.

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