Vegemite, or Foods to Never Eat Part 1
No, we have not made a trip down under since coming to Singapore. We were, however, given the opportunity to try Vegemite while in Bangkok. Being children of the eighties, we couldn’t resist its storied allure*.
I think we can sum up the experience in one word: Don’t.
Seriously. Vegemite was the worst thing I’ve ever tasted in my life.
I truly can’t express how bad it was. It basically tasted like something that you would put in your car to make it run more smoothly. Or possibly use to take the rust off. Or something you would put on toast, call it Nutella and give it to someone you hate. In fact, I like Australia a little bit less after tasting Vegemite. Sorry, Aussies, you never should have unleashed that crap on the world. (Although to be fair, the Brits—in typical English fashion—started this whole mess by developing the antecedent to this abomination when they created a palate-murdering concoction dubbed Marmite. Terrible enough to be considered worthy of export, Marmite found its way to the Kiwis who started making some bastard southern-hemisphere version of it using local ingredients. In a desperate attempt to counter all the Marmite-ism marshaling on their shores, the ever-antagonistic Aussies one-upped everyone by creating Vegemite. Clearly, this is just another negative byproduct of colonialism.)
So I guess this is the first in a series of irregular posts that we’ll call our “anti-foodie diatribe”. Since there are enough food blogs out there about people peeing themselves with excitement over the umamian joys inherent in sautéing the rare mushrooms only found in the blowholes of pygmy sperm whales during mating season in the north Pacific—or some other such nonsense—you can consider this your warning about terrible crap not to eat. Just a little tip from us to you.
You can thank us later.
*As an aside, it wasn’t until about 1996 that I realized the lyrics to that song aren’t, “he just smiled and gave me a bite of his sandwich”. And it wasn’t till last week when I actually tasted Vegemite that I realized that guy in Brussels is clearly an a-hole.